So-entwined's Blog

If we were together right now….

Maybe you would be asleep, turned away from the wall, laying towards me. Or maybe your back faces me, a chasm between us full of all the pain over the last four years.

I would be awake.
It happened somewhat often, nights where my eyes and mind didn’t agree and sleep would feel distant. Instead, a calmness would take over, and I would lie in bed and wonder what you were feeling or dreaming of. My hand would reach out to connect with some part of skin, running fingers lightly over it. Maybe comb your hair when it was longer. These are moments I remember. The love I felt for you was… unfathomable. It dug so deep into me, rooting around my heart and into my stomach. Those nights when you weren’t holding me always sent me into a desolate feeling, a chill that would become unbearable so I would seek contact. Not waking you, but chasing down the connection I was so amazingly afraid of losing.

You really were everything.
Tonight, it is a moment I miss as I exist somewhere between sleepy and awake. I’ll dream of you, though. I always do these days.

Last night I put your shirt back in the drawer next to my swimsuit. I looked at the moon and asked this feeling be shaken from me…. this feeling that we belong together, that you’re coming back, that things aren’t how they’re supposed to be. I asked Selene to take it from me if it isn’t true. I didn’t let the pull of “please let it be true” grow, but it was there.

I had a dream, one where feelings crossed over into waking. We were sitting apart in a car, you in the passenger’s seat, and me sitting behind the driver. As we got out and came around the vehicle,you took my hand as I reached out for you. It was something beautiful. It was the closing of things. That sounds so silly… There was no bright light, there was no ring of warmth for everyone to see, but I felt it. It was the world settling down because things were how they were supposed to be. I really don’t know how to describe it. Something forced open that wasn’t supposed to be finally closed.
We walked towards the house, and I had a feeling I recognized. Having everything seem complete… no itch for anything more. I guess some people would call it nirvana. More than satisfaction and contented. It’s what I had in Texas almost a year ago. A sense that it would be a good time to die because that moment is what life is about and it may never come again. Pure happiness.
I never thought I would feel it again. And in a way, I didn’t. It was just a dream. And it was still centered around you.
Even more than becoming my mother… my biggest fear is that no one else will be able to give me that. I try not to believe that, but I do. You really were everything to me.
And it’s left me such a broken, foolish, idiotic sounding girl.

I hear myself say over and over

I’m here, I’m here.

But it’s not a call you’ll answer. I’m doing better, that’s not even a lie to myself, but you’re still there. No matter how far away you feel, how distant the memory of you is, how you’ve just become type written words or something other, something not here, I can still feel something. Something of you. I can’t pinpoint it. It’s such a vague sensation. I sense that things are wrong. It flairs with certain readings or tumblr posts on my dashboard and there is a  roar of how this isn’t how it is supposed to be. It’s a feeling that we just belong together. But you also belong with her.

These days you’re a hum. Like that feeling like you’re supposed to be doing something and can’t think of what it is, maybe you left the stove on or need to return library books. A nagging, important tingle. Like staying up late and just feeling the night, having that air around you, a strumming power if you could just find out its secrets, and also the knowing that you can’t. It’s a linger of incense long after it has stopped burning.

You made your choice. You made it when you told me you had ties to Texas now, that you couldn’t leave them. But you left them for her.
I couldn’t give you that life anyway. I wouldn’t be enough. Same song.

Time to chase these cobwebs away, if I can.

I’m sorry.

I’m not sorry for you though. I’m not sorry that I let you walk away for your sake. I mean, soccer and magic and living with someone you love, you’ve got it, the nook that people search for in life. There are no half smiles or staying up late with a distant feeling. I am not sorry for letting you find that. But I am sorry for giving up and letting you go. I am sorry to myself for not seeing what I was doing. I should  have held on.

I remember sitting on the porch in France, reading old Scottish faery ballads. One of my favorites was in there. Tam Lin. To the bare basics, Janet falls in love with someone under the Faery Queen’s spell and has to save him. To do so, she has to physically hold him as the queen changes his shape over and over again. Janet has to hold him tight, not let him go, or he’s lost to her forever. She wins.
I remember sitting there, in the sunshine, feeling so inspired to not give up. Despite all our issues, I would hold tight. It didn’t last long. The next step was May 20th, where it was your turn to run. Here I was, ready to fight and conquer, but not you. You didn’t want it. And with that, went my will to keep my arms locked. The first test of it, and I failed.
And that is what I’m sorry for.
I’m sorry I haven’t moved on. I’m sorry your words still have an effect on me.
I’m sorry for the questions I still have. Why are you always on gchat? I know my reasons. I’m there, wondering if you’ll say anything. I’ll admit it, mostly I’m on for you, though it has no expectations. It’s also desensitizing me. Having your name to the left of the page is helping, believe it or not. But I still really am there to see if you’ll talk to me. I stay up late with wanderings on my mind and there’s a curiosity I can’t shake of are you happy, or will you come search for an old flame in the still hours?
You won’t. You would have, right?
My other curiosity is to what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, after that last email. Did I upset you, hurt you? Or are you apathetic, or is it that you have no time? It was a simple question. One you don’t really have no reason to answer unless I did some damage. But you once told me there was nothing I could do to hurt you. I still believe that. You say we’re both hurting, but that doesn’t find its way under my skin to settle there. I had no power over you.
Old words, old stories.
But I am sorry I let you walk away. Not for you, because I do believe you’re better off. But for me. For the girl who sat in the sunshine and swore to hold tight and failed to because she didn’t see it happening. Maybe that is who the apology is really directed to.
I’m sorry I let myself get here.

Last night I cried.

Tonight there’s a threaten of it, too.

A year, a year, a year. You’ve been gone  a year. Starting today, I’ve seen you 10 out of the last 365 days. That should mean something.

But it doesn’t. I can still see you, hear you… sometimes feel you. It should be a lie, but I make it so real. As real as the words you used to tell me that I can’t forget.

I have to, though. Because you’re still full of empty ideas of promises. Once you told me a promise had to have those words.. “I promise”, otherwise it wasn’t broken the same. So instead, instead it’s just ideas of them.

So tonight I’ll go to bed, rocking away, chanting “forget, forget, forget”. Tonight, I’m too tired to fight it.

Last night, I had that burst of strength.
It’s stayed with me. Some of it at least. The sadness is now an undercurrent.

There is still this echo of you in everything. But it’s manageable. For now, I can handle it.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t woken up to dreams of you… It makes it easier. In at least part of a way.

But my god I miss you.

Here’s the thing.

I had the feeling again. The real world one where I realize that I don’t want to be with you forever. I’m too young to have my forever. It’s a feeling that has helped before.

But, like before, it was chased away. It’s a feeling I like, but then don’t want to have. That’s not quite true. I want to have it, but something in me leaps up to block it. I tried explaining it to my counselor with no luck, but I’ll try again.

I’m not afraid of staying in that place. It’s not fear that holds me back. It’s not my head either. Maybe it just comes down to love, I don’t know.
I just know don’t stay there. I come back down to the overwhelming missing you.

And then there was the memory.

Of course it was in Texas.
Oh… have I mentioned that EVERY SINGLE FOLKLORE CLASS mentions Austin, Texas? At least every intro one has something about it. The others too.

Anyway.
We went to the bank. It was a nice walk, even if I was a bit too inside myself. I was inside myself a lot that trip… too much pain to face otherwise. We walked in to try and cash my check. There was an older man there. He said something about your wife, meaning me. I can’t remember what exactly, I was filling out a slip. You didn’t correct him. Instead you came over to me, with one of your heartbreak smiles, and told me what he had said.
I think of the happiness that gave me every time I try to hold onto the no longer wanting to be with you for a long time.

I think of that moment, and for a second I forget that it was pretend.
That whole trip was pretend.

I have figured out the catch-22.

Hearing about it, acknowledging it, speaking about it… It’s the worst oblivion of despair.
Mostly because it reinforces that there is nothing to wait for.
To stop waiting, I need to not run away from it anymore. I’m well aware of you being with her. I live with it every moment. But that’s not the same.
I have to willingly give myself this pain. So I’ll stop waiting. You know how I always said you always win?

You’re happy.
It will always come down to that. I have no place in the equation.
You’re happy.
What else is there to say?

It’s been 6 months since I’ve seen you.

I still feel the same as that moment.

Whispering, begging that it wasn’t happening. Being ripped alive with having to leave you.
I almost got off the plane.

I begged that it wasn’t real.
I pleaded that I didn’t have to turn and walk away. That I didn’t have to dry my eyes and make it to a gate just in time. That we wouldn’t part from each other and my body would turn to lead while you turned and maybe ask ed your dad what was for dinner.

6 months. I’m still in the same place. Begging that things were different. But I can’t wish you to feel differently. Just as I can’t wish my feelings away.

6 months. Still forever yours.

Did I ever tell you about SW’s dog? I guess we weren’t talking then, but I’d like to.

When I lay down to sleep, It floods me.

Recognizing how I didn’t mean anything before either. It’s funny, how you have the ability to love, but not….
You mean absolutely everything to me. That is the deepest truth. And you don’t miss me. I’d never believe that you think of me… but that wouldn’t be an issue. Because you don’t, right? You wouldn’t say that now. Not now.

Now things are different.
Now you live with her, you’re back in VA. No more shirts, no more desert.

I meant nothing.

When I lay down, I rock myself. I hear myself begging to the moon to just take it away. Take the memories and the knowledge, take the pain and the hope, just take it all. Take it out of me.

May 20th was a lie. One of many. One of many I can’t shake.

You didn’t take months to get a job there.

Do you remember passing me, on the quad, at dusk, on a Monday or maybe a Wednesday, when I was with Michael? I was on my way to Anthro. I was in love with you then too. I remember thinking it as we walked away, my eyes downward and my skin tingling. It didn’t phase you though. It was nothing. But to me… I would try and walk around that same time just incase I could catch you coming from a class. Because as much as you hurt me then, as much as I feared you, seeing you was still….

I loved you then and I love you now. That is what consumes me as I try to sleep, try to not exist for just a little while. It’s what has me on the floor sobbing to the sky to take it away. Because I didn’t mean anything to you. If I had, you would have come straight to me when I came back from A-boro after the C things. Instead I’m haunted by thinking you stopped to see her, kiss her hello and goodbye. If I had meant something you wouldn’t of had me wait for you on your last night while you said goodbye to S. You wouldn’t have spent so much time texting D when I came to see you. You wouldn’t have moved to VA to live with J. You wouldn’t be so okay. You would have read the emails when I freaked out and needed you to say it was over. But you didn’t care. Goddamn, you didn’t care. I would rather you had read them and ignored them. But you didn’t even feel the need to read them. I was losing my mind.

You wouldn’t tell me you hope that I’m doing well, you really do, because in reality you just don’t want to know that I’m not. You don’t want to know that I’m that girl, the completely broken and desperate and mental girl that lost it all.

Which is why you don’t look at tumblr. You have no reason for it. Looking would be caring and still being invested, which you’re not.

I didn’t go back to the place that feels the most like home (besides you) because I couldn’t face being somewhere you could be with me and would still choose not to. That fails since you could come with me. They don’t care about grades, and you wouldn’t need a visa.
But since May 20th, that doesn’t matter.

In one week, maybe a week and a few days, I’m going to change my tumblr, get a new screen name, and pretend thats why you don’t look at don’t want to talk… pretend that It’s my choice. I should have done it weeks ago.

The sad thing is, I’m still imagining when you’ll come to me, suddenly realizing that… Well that doesn’t matter. Because you won’t. Our relationship has been reduced to something common. The girl who knows it but doesn’t get it, and the guy who was never there and isn’t coming back. There are no magic moments of revelation like that. I’m 21. It’s time for the real world. But I still see you coming to me. In a sudden burst of a fight or some god awful imaginary nonexistant heartbreaking thing. I pull away, and it matters.

That’s how I know it’s a daydream. For one, I would probably run to you. For another, you never cared that you hurt me.

You don’t even want later anymore. I was exactly like Am, when it came down to it. A half-love. Nothing special.

I wish I could let you go. I wish the Moon would erase everything. I don’t believe in that, remember? But this time I do.

Why would you want me anyhow? I left myself wide open. You never had to guess what I was thinking. No wonder you got bored. But here’s what I’ve realized.

It was never that I wasn’t good enough for you. I just wasn’t enough. I never could be. But I was a damn good girlfriend. And I always deserved better… Too bad my heart only wants you.

Your formspring haunts me. Looked at it once, where there was one question, and your answer destroyed me. This was while we were talking, even. Your last blog post, same thing. Do you have any idea how much it hurt all those times you told me your dreams of other girls when you were supposedly loving me? The story of getting roadhead from Am is the same. I’m haunted by the months I spent hiding from your gaze and then your words that told me you never stopped wanting…

It’s late.
Could I sleep now? Or will the heaving and shaking and crying come back?

I need to let go of words from months ago.

I hope you are never so unimportant to anyone.